Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Phred Phelps: Phag-hating Phuckwad

If there were ever a justification to exterminate an entire family line, Phred Phelps is a shining example of one. I know that the religious leaders of every major Protestant denomination as well as the entire leadership of the Catholic Church religiously (pun completely intended) read this blog, so I am going to make you a deal: I will sell my worldly possessions and donate 100% of the after-tax proceeds to the first denomination that puts an end to Phred. Not kill him physically, as appealing as that may be. Instead, shut him down. Every pastor/priest denouncing him in every single service. Massive letter-writing campaigns to every newspaper in the nation from the Podunk Blab to the New York Times by every member of the congregation, expressing outrage over the Phelps Phamily antics and providing scriptural support (preferably from Jesus' own words as recorded in the gospels) for reading them out of Christianity. Every lawyer who is a member of that denomination launching an all-out legal blitz against Westboro Baptist Church's 503c status. Church leaders of every stripe on every talk show blasting the shit out of these assholes. Every member of the congregation jamming the phone lines of every radio talk show with nothing but pure loathing aimed at Phred and his Phollowers. Instead of a roving band of bikers protecting grieving families, I want to see a procession of the local clergy and congregants. You do that, and my worldly possessions are yours.

I am, of course, perfectly safe in making this deal because my conditions will never come close to being met. Here is why:

1. Christianity in North America is dying out. I've talked about this before, so I'll keep this short. Aside from arguments over whether the United States was founded as a Christian nation, it most certainly grows more secular by the day. Since I have left the church, I have found a strong, consistent flow of people like me leaving the church and never looking back. While the church may not approve of his tactics, Phred keeps Christianity in the news, and as everyone knows, there is no such thing as bad publicity, especially when you increasingly find yourself ignored. Closely related is point....

2. Most evangelicals and, I strongly suspect but can't prove, a majority of every other denominational group, agrees with every hateful word the Phelps clan spews forth. They just lack the balls to say it as loudly, obnoxiously, and visibly as the Phelps do. They know instinctively that if the 80% of Americans that rarely if ever darken the door of a church were to know the level of hate that fills the average Christian towards gays, every church building in the nation would be burnt to the ground in a matter of days. So believers mutter it to each other in private while publicly making disapproving noises about how Phred and Phamily go to far, but God does hate fags, so....

3. And following on point 2, any clergy that did take a strong stance against Phelps and Phriends would either a) find himself leading a much smaller flock, b) find himself no longer leading a flock, or a) followed very shortly by b).

The ball is in your court, "Christians." Prove me wrong.


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