Monday, January 16, 2006

How to Get a Woman to Fuck You

From a blog recommended to me by a co-worker:
So listen, here's the deal. I want to buy you a drink. Then I'll buy you another and another. The whole time I will not offer much in the way of conversation, or be particularly fun to hang out with, or even be nice to your friends you introduce me to. This doesn't matter - we'll go home together. When we get to your place, we'll start hooking up, and I'll try to sleep with you three separate times. Each time, you'll say no. I'll leave in the middle of the night, without saying goodbye, and I won't call you the next day. Or the next. Or the next after that. Over time as I don't call, you will want me more. In fact, you will become obsessed with me, though all I did was get you drunk and try to fuck you.

Then, maybe a week or two later, I'll run into you again. You'll see me in the bar, and, having had a few, you'll throw yourself at me. We'll go home and sleep together. I'll leave abruptly, though this time I may wait until you wake up, as I will be pretty hungover. I won't call the next day, or the next, but I will call eventually, because now I know you put out. And this makes me happy.

The more I don't call, the more you'll want me. Eventually I'll call, and perhaps we'll go on a lame date, in which each of us won't have anything particular good to offer, a fact that will be mitigated by several martinis. We'll go home, and have sex.

Now we'll have a relationship. The calls will become more frequent, as will the sex. But as I spend more and more time with you, I'll learn more about you, and thus more ways I can take advantage of you. Perhaps you have a rich daddy who pays for your rent and other things. If that's the case, I'll ask to borrow money from you, which I have no intention of ever paying back. I may take your Miata, get drunk, and drive it into a pool, or a kindergarten class. This will be your fault.

Perhaps you had a bad daddy growing up. I'll make sure to take special care of you and always play the "good guy" role to a tee. Meanwhile, when we're out together with your friends and you head to the bathroom, I'll tell your friend Beth that her breasts look amazing and ask her to show them to me. Beth will be astonished at how much of a dick I am, and, of course, show them to me. They will not be as impressive as I had hoped.

I will keep being a dick, stealing and lying, and in no time you'll be in love with me. About this time, I will get bored of you, and decide to end it. I won't tell you that I think we should see other people; nay, I'll just keep fucking up until you dump me.

The problem is: you won't dump me, because you love me. My little fuck-ups will be forgiven, and I'll get frantic. In an effort to end the whole thing, I'll cheat on you. And you'll find out.

You will be very upset, and you may break up with me, but our relationship will be far from over. Odds are that we will have sex numerous times after we've "broken up", which is fine with me, because getting the sex without the boyfriend responsibilities is ok with me. I may beg you to take me back, and you might, and I will know that once you've taken me back after I've cheated on you, you've not only given me a "get out of jail free" card, you've pretty much given me license to do whatever I want.

Anyway you look at it, all I can offer you is dysfunction, unhappiness, and a sense that the time you've spent with me has been wasted. I'll do a great deal of damage to you so that many guys after me will struggle with it, and may even not be able to date you because of it.

That's my offer. What do you think?


At 1:17 PM, Blogger Christie-anity said...

Honest but lame.

At 8:58 AM, Blogger Justa Drifter said...

You understand that I didn't write that, right? I was quoting another blogger.

However, I quoted it because aligns perfectly with my experience. For forty years, I have watched nearly every woman I know ranging in age from high school to 40-something and working on marriage number 5, play this scenario.

It's also been my experience that the opposite is also true: a woman will consistently ignore the "good guy" standing right in front of them. See, my whole life I was that guy; you know, the one you run to when your boyfriend dumps you; the one that drops everything to come over and fix your car/roof/sink/toilet while your pecker-head boyfriend lays on the couch eating your food and bitching because you don't have the Playboy channel. But god forbid you ever think of dating the guy or anything, because he's a little homely or geeky looking and that would just totally trash your self-image.

But I'm not bitter.

At 1:59 PM, Blogger Trix said...

Mulgrew's got it ALL wrong, at least he is if we're talking about a type of girl like me. For example, I'd have never let him in my home if I didn't plan on sleeping with him.

Check out my site...I'll tell you the way to get a REAL woman to fuck you.

At 1:48 PM, Blogger Justa Drifter said...

Again, from my experience, most women are not like you. I refer you to the post you made on Tuesday. This is typical of the women I know. I can count the women like you that I know on one hand.

Example situation I am dealing with right now:

I work with high school kids a lot. One 16-year-old girl became infatuated with a guy two years her senior. All her friends tried to tell her that he is an arrogant, self-centered jerk that spends all of his time trying to "score" virgins. Of course she didn't listen (he's really hot). The Jerk broke it off with his current sex partner and started dating Infatuated, telling lie after lie until he gets another scalp, then dumps her. She was obviously devistated, and long tear-filled conversations resulted.

Now she is with a nice guy that treats her like a princess. He isn't butt-ugly, just plain and a tad effeminate. So what did she recently confess? She is considering breaking up with Nice Guy so she can pursue someone she describes as another arrogant jerk just like the first one (but he's really hot).

Rinse and repeat.

Since I was in high school, I have listened to repeated sob stories from female friends. "Where are all the nice guys? Why can't guys all be nice like you?" Hey, sister, I'm sitting right fucking here! Am I dating anyone? No! Who drops everything and comes over when your toilet decides to flush up instead of down? Who gives you a lift when your car won't start? Who is the first person you call when another relationship turns to shit?

Of course, why go to all the bother of dating me when you have all the benefits while still maintaining your eligibility for the next piece of trim that wanders in view?

After 40 years of it, I've decided no more. See my fourth New Year's resolution.

I'm not trying to be a dick about this. Maybe it's the kind of women I attract. Maybe it's the climate. Maybe I'm just pissy because my life has recently turned to shit. But the bottom line is that in my experience, there are a lot more L's than there are Trixie's. I wish it were different.


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