Monday, March 06, 2006

And The Winner Is....

I have to ask. Are there really more than ten people not employed by the movie industry that give a flying shit about the Oscars? Even if you do care about movies, is there anyone that cares enough to sit through three or four hours of Hollywood people congratulating other Hollywood people about what a great job they did portraying a couple of faggot cowboys?

I know the movie industry religiously follows this blog, so I'm going to give you assclowns some advice. You're welcome.

1. No award show should last more than one hour. Period. Full stop. Doing that is very easy. First, no one gives a shit who is the best lighting director or costume designer. All the awards other than the top four or five should be given out off camera and shown on the awards show as a five- or six-minute video montage. Second, no acceptance speeches. Just walk up, take your award, and sit your stupid ass back down. No one gives a fuck about what you have to say unless it is part of a script. You are an actor, which means you are good at pretending to be a made-up character. That doesn't make you smart. In fact, from what I can tell from acceptance speeches, you are as dumb as a box of rocks. There is absolutely nothing I want to hear from your mouth. Get over yourself. Third, stop wasting air time with no-talent black "singers" that couldn't carry a fucking tune if you screwed handles on it. And finally, stop wasting air time with stupid jokes. Just shut up and pass out the fucking awards already.

2. I know "fly-over country" doesn't matter, and in fact isn't considered to exist to the movie industry. That's fine, but if you want me to give a fuck about what you do, then stop insulting every value I have every time someone shoves a mic in your face. Again, you are not smart; you are an aesthetically pleasing combination of face, tits, and ass that happens to be good at pretending to be a made-up person. You have no understanding of my circumstances. You most likely have never done a day's worth of hard physical labor in your pampered life. You have absolutely no right to pass judgment on my day-to-day decisions, my values, my morals, or my voting patterns. Shut. The Fuck. Up.

3. How much money was spent last night? In total? The show itself, the advertising, the six- and seven-figure outfits, the parties, the whole thing. Tens of millions? Hundreds of millions? We have a substantial portion of our population that are still homeless as a result of last year's hurricanes. What if the movie industry had scaled back the Oscars to a simple awards ceremony, and put all the money and effort burned last night into rebuilding, say, Pellington, Mississippi? What if actors and actresses, whose daily work is the most expendable imaginable, took off the tuxedos and the how-much-of-my-big-saggy-tits-can-I-show-and-still-be-legal-for-prime-time-television dresses, put on some Carhards, and did some actual work? I know, I know; these people aren't real smart and don't have a lot of useful skills. But picking shit up off the ground and tossing it into the back of a truck should be within even their meager capabilities. If you want a platform to spout your bullshit from, get off the stage and into a work crew. Then I might, might, give a fuck about what you think.

And I have already wasted more time on the Oscars than they are worth.


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